Our minds are so wonderful aren’t they? Constantly thinking, imagining, creating, dreaming. But what about when your mind turns against you. When your mind is imprisoning, stifling, killing you. I’ve struggled my whole life with the real and what my mind has led me to believe is real. How things really are and how my mind has set them up to be. When I was a child I had an aunt (my dads sister) insist to me that she was my real mom. I was frightened and had no idea why she would even say such an awful thing. As an adult I know that she has severe mental health issues but growing up my goal was to not be like my “crazy” aunt. So when I was emotional or had mood swings I just needed to get over it and deal. I didn’t have the most supportive family when it came to these issues. I don’t think they were trying to be hurtful i just think they were uninformed and had no idea how to properly handle any of my “issues.” It is so common and so unfortunate. Fortunately for my family and I, we survived. Not every family is so lucky. Then there are these people- the ones who think that if you are depressed, then you’re just not praying hard or often enough. And that is just not true. I prayed until I was blue in the face but I just could not shake whatever it was that was going on in my mind.
Finally, after battling my mind and struggling and being so irritable that my husband and I couldn’t go one day without an argument I realized it was time to seek professional help. I 100% believe in medication and therapy. I am living, walking, talking, marital bliss proof that these things works. I continue to pray every single day but I’m no longer asking God to fix me, I am thanking Him for doing it. I am beyond blessed and grateful that He gave me the courage to seek help. He placed me in a Dr’s hands who knew what she was doing and got my medication right the first time. And He has made me aware and proactive in wanting to make sure that I don’t allow the people around me to have their issues swept under the rug.
When given really good (or really bad) news we all react in different ways. That isn’t to say people who don’t have an overly expressive reaction care less. Recently, on a family trip to Laughlin, I won $500. I was ecstatic.. on the inside, however I didn’t jump up and down or scream or do anything over the top. My mom commented that she would’ve been yelling and I thought to myself, “Why am I not more excited?” Later I realized that I had been genuinely and completely elated I just didn’t express it the same way as my mom would. For a very long time Ive had this idea that I cant express my excitement in an outward fashion. I don’t know where this notion comes from, maybe I don’t want to be boastful; maybe I’m too concerned what others think. But really I think its that I’m a thinker. I take time to think about things and to process them. Even more recently a family member received devastating news. When my mom told me the news I didn’t cry, I didn’t hug my mom, I didn’t really react at all. I asked questions and did what i do best.. I started processing. I’m sure that its not the reaction most would give but that doesn’t mean that it didn’t have the same impact on me that it did my other family members. I’m just not good at these kind of things. The best way for me to express myself is to write it down. But know this.. I love more deeply than most and although I may look and sound fine my heart aches the same and my prayers are as constant as yours.
I haven’t always been this way and I’ve started to see my “poker face” when it comes to dealing with emotions as a flaw but maybe its a strength. I still feel everything and am very much an emotional person but have this strange ability to keep it together when it counts. I can be strong for my family when they need it most. I know there will come a day when I will need them to be my strength so I’m glad to be that person for them now.
On December 31, 1985 my mother gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She named me Celina Michelle Olvera. My moms dream was to watch me and my brother grow, to love us and support us and help us develop into beautiful, strong individuals who would one day give birth to their own beautiful children. She dreamed that we would be best friends. She dreamed of a wonderful life. My moms dreams for her life didn’t exactly pan out. Her marriage to my dad fell apart, twice. She had a closet full of skeletons. She went from one abusive relationship to another. Addiction ruined her life. On October 31, 1992 she survived being shot in the head. I’ve heard what happened that night but there is still apart of me that believes there is much more to the story. My mom went through phases where she was sober and healthy but since she never stuck with her recovery programs she always fell back into her old ways. Her rock bottom was letting a man into my cousins house who ended up stealing all of my cousins jewelry including her wedding ring. I was so mad at her, I didn’t even want to look at her. I thought she was selfish. I thought I couldn’t forgive her. I thought wrong. My heart was broken. I cried like I’ve never cried before. I felt a sense of fear and loss that I had never known. I thought my mom was going to kill herself. I forgave her quickly and truly. I prayed for her soul. I prayed for forgiveness for myself for having anger in my heart towards her. I prayed for God to save her life. God answers prayers, I promise you that; my mom has been in a recovery home for almost two months now. She will be in there for at least another year. I saw her two weeks ago but it was the first time I had seen her in years. The real her. Her happy, healthy self. Her eyes full of life and hope. Her cheerful smile. She was elated as she talked about how she got to ride a horse for the first time. I felt an overwhelming sense of joy and love as she talked to us about all that shes learning about the Bible, about how shes learning that her way is clearly not the right way and that shes ready to change. She has been given an opportunity to change her life and she is taking full advantage of it. I know she still has such a long way to go and I know she has made mistakes but I am so proud of her, proud to call her my mom. When my mom pictured how her life would be I’m sure this is not what she envisioned however I know that better days are coming. I look forward to having my mom back and to the day that I get the privilege of being her best friend.