The grass IS greener on this side.

Our minds are so wonderful aren’t they? Constantly thinking, imagining, creating, dreaming. But what about when your mind turns against you. When your mind is imprisoning, stifling, killing you. I’ve struggled my whole life with the real and what my mind has led me to believe is real. How things really are and how my mind has set them up to be. When I was a child I had an aunt (my dads sister) insist to me that she was my real mom. I was frightened and had no idea why she would even say such an awful thing. As an adult I know that she has severe mental health issues but growing up my goal was to not be like my “crazy” aunt. So when I was emotional or had mood swings I just needed to get over it and deal. I didn’t have the most supportive family when it came to these issues. I don’t think they were trying to be hurtful i just think they were uninformed and had no idea how to properly handle any of my “issues.” It is so common and so unfortunate. Fortunately for my family and I, we survived. Not every family is so lucky. Then there are these people- the ones who think that if you are depressed, then you’re just not praying hard or often enough. And that is just not true. I prayed until I was blue in the face but I just could not shake whatever it was that was going on in my mind.

Finally, after battling my mind and struggling and being so irritable that my husband and I couldn’t go one day without an argument I realized it was time to seek professional help. I 100% believe in medication and therapy. I am living, walking, talking, marital bliss proof that these things works. I continue to pray every single day but I’m no longer asking God to fix me, I am thanking Him for doing it. I am beyond blessed and grateful that He gave me the courage to seek help. He placed me in a Dr’s hands who knew what she was doing and got my medication right the first time. And He has made me aware and proactive in wanting to make sure that I don’t allow the people around me to have their issues swept under the rug.

Stigma

Baby dreams

There was a time in my life when I would drive around, look down at my ring finger and my mind would drift. I would daydream about what my engagement ring and then wedding ring would look like and what the man who put the rings on my finger would be like. How would we meet? Where would we live? What places would we travel to? Now that i’m married to the only one who ever made me feel like I deserved the world and more, my mind still drifts. I now daydream about our firstborn. What will he look like? Will she be healthy? How old will I be when I have him? I cant wait to be a mom and I cant wait to see Andrew be the amazing father I know he will be. We do want children and soon but first things first; My prayer is that I can get and stay healthy and experience low levels of pain so that all my questions about motherhood can one day be answered with the amazing blessing of a baby.

God’s Love

I fell in love with You again today. I fell in love with all that You’ve sent my way

I fell in love because You loved me first. I fell in love because You quenched my thirst.

You taught me all that I know, taught me who I am and You know who I will be all because You live inside of me.

Sometimes its hard for me to understand but I trust that You have a plan.

My doubts and fears come and go but my faith in You will never do so.

At the end of the day all that remains- my love for You and Yours for me.

I was blind but now I see:

You loved me first, but knew I needed a love to feel and touch here on earth.

You sent me a man to love, You sent me a husband from up above.

I fell in love with him again today, I fell in love with the one you sent my way.